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Entry tags:
Pokemon | Got My Love Stuck in My Head
Rating: M
Fandom: Pokemon
Characters: Bede, Hop, Marnie, Gloria, Leon (mentioned), Opal (mentioned), Chairman Rose (mentioned)
Relationships: Bede/Hop
Words: 4,989
Content Warnings: Rape (discussed, does not take place in story)
Tropes: Rape Recovery & Aftermath, Abuse Recovery & Aftermath, Hurt/Comfort, Character with PTSD (Bede), Developing Relationship
Summary: All his life, people had pretended to like Hop to want to know him, in order to use him as a stepping stone to meet someone else more important than him. Nobody really liked Hop. They liked who Hop knew. What he could do for them.
What else is he supposed to think when his own boyfriend seems to hate his affection?
PLEASE READ THE TAGS!! Also, this is written by an actual childhood sexual abuse victim, so if y'all think this is some sort of fetish shit, it isn't. It treats CSA as a serious topic, and it's only talked about. Nothing bad actually happens in the story; it's about a CSA victim recovering and learning to get better.
Disclaimers are done now! So, this was inspired by the number of sexualized 'Rose sexually abusing Bede' fics there are on here, with little to no fics about Bede recovering from such an event, or getting support. And I love to project my problems onto fictional characters, so, if nobody else is gonna do it, I'll just do it myself!
I'm not too happy with how this came out? I feel like everyone is out of character, because I've never written most of them before. I struggled quite a bit. So I might come back and make a few tweaks in editing? I dunno yet.
Anyways, I hope you enjoy!
Hop had never been a huge fan of romance movies, but he had watched them. Mostly because of Gloria, to be fair; when they were sleeping over at her house, which meant she got to pick the movie. He had read books with romantic subplots, as many books tend to have, although he never exact sought them out...
He was decently sure, based off of those stories he had grown up seeing, that this was decidedly not how it was supposed to go.
But Hop kept those sentiments to himself, of course. He knew when to stay quiet (most of the time). So he just silently sat with Bede as he gasped for breath and rubbed at his face and arms, curled up into a ball on the ground. Hop knew what Bede was going through, of course. He was prone to panic attacks himself. But, again, he was pretty sure that this is not how most people react to a love confession. But there was no doubt that it was that which had triggered Bede's panic. Even before Hop had gotten the word 'boyfriend' out fully on their walk through Glimwood Tangle, Bede's breathing had audibly picked up. And, given that Hop was the cause of his panicking, he wasn't exactly sure how to comfort Bede. So, he just sat next to him, watching, waiting, silently concerned.
It took a long while for Bede's breathing to slow again, and his trembling to steady. And it took even longer after that for him to stop hiding his face in his knees to speak.
He rubbed his eyes, like he was waking up from a nap, instead of a panic attack. "I do apologize..." he offered, and, despite his audible efforts to steady his voice, it still cracked. "That must have been very bothersome. Please, forget about that."
"Oh, don't you worry about it!" Hop offered his best grin. "It's alright!"
Bede hummed, glancing away as he thought. Quietly, he stated, "I would enjoy that."
"Huh?"
Bede's lip curled in annoyance, but in a practiced way, that Hop had long-ago recognized as more so put on than anything. "To what you said earlier, you dolt!"
Hop felt his face go warm again, the nervous flickering in his stomach from the confession returning as if it had never left. "Oh- seriously?!" He laughed a-little-too-loud, nervous. "I thought that, since you reacted like THAT to the idea, you wouldn't exactly-"
"I told you to FORGET about that!" Oh, so that was serious? "I-!" Bede crossed his arms, and glanced away with a huff, and Hop fought off a grin; Bede was awfully cute when he pouted. "It was unexpected. Sudden, is all."
"You're serious?!" Hop found himself leaning towards Bede, his grin growing wider, and Bede leaned away in return, his face growing pinker.
"How many times do you want me to say it??" Bede half-buried his face in his hand. "Yes. I am serious." He let his hand drop, but kept looking away, struggling to get the words out over his apparent embarrassment. "I would like to be your boyfriend."
Hop whooped in celebration, launching himself into Bede's chest, and he felt Bede naturally catch him in his arms, despite his protesting. "QUIET!! What if someone is out here, you know how the paparazzi get...!!"
He had to check around the immedate vacinity for anyone out with a phone or camera first, but, eventually, once everything had calmed down, Hop found himself letting his head rest on Bede's shoulder as they sat together and Hop took notes of the wildlife. And, thanks to the glow of the mushrooms and wild Pokemon, he could see Bede allowing himself soft, secret little smiles every now and then.
That felt more like the stories Hop knew.
The next time the two boys saw each other wasn't a planned date, or anything of the sort, but a pleasant surprise, with Hop catching a glimpse of pink and blue out of the corner of his eye at a store in Hammerlocke. He quickly darted behind a shelf with a mischevious grin already growing, abandoning his shopping trip temporarily to listen closely for Bede's voice (perhaps on the phone), growing closer slowly.
Before Bede could turn the corner and spot Hop, though, Hop jumped out and threw his arms around his boyfriend, with an exclaimation of, "HI!!", not unlike someone exclaiming "BOO!"
Appropriately for that comparison, Bede made a frightened squawking noise and stumbled backwards a few feet before Hop could catch him in his arms, which made Hop laugh, shoving his face next to Bede's affectionately. "Aww, did I get ya? Huh, huh??"
It took a few moments of Hop giggling to realize he wasn't getting a response from Bede, which prompted him noticing how... Stiff Bede's body had become. Still keeping his arms on Bede's shoulders, he backed away, still grinning, but now with slanted eyebrows. "You good, Bede?"
At the call of his name, Bede's face shifted from a sort of blank shock, blinking rapidly a few times as if light was shining at him. "Yes." Again, as if recovering from a light shining in his eyes, he rubbed them. "Yes. Hop. Hello." He sighed, his shoulders relaxing, and Hop found himself relaxing, in turn, with a lopsided grin.
... "WHAT was the meaning of THAT?!"
Hop laughed in return. There was the reaction he expected.
Despite everything, Bede still loved to claim he was not a part of Hop's friend group. And he could say that all he wanted to, but Hop knew better. Given that, for one, he had come when Hop had invited everyone over to his house to help him put together a project for Sonia, and, for two, he did this knowing everyone else would come along, as well.
Early on in the planned all-nighter, Hop came back into his room after previously leaving with an armful of cans, barely balanced as he opened his door. "As promised, pop for everyone!" Gloria threw her arms up a 'whoop'ed, but, of course, Marnie just smiled quietly and Bede just held out a hand expectantly. Hop tossed a can to Gloria first, who caught it with ease, then Marnie, who stumbled a little. He then plopped down next to Bede, and handed him his can.
Bede looked at Hop's offering, not taking it. He furrowed his eyebrows. "It's... Been opened."
Hop rose his shoulders to his ears, with an embarrassed giggle. "I tried to open my own pop on my way here, y'see, but I mistook your favorite brand for mine! Sorry, mate. I only took one little sip, though!" He pushed the soda closer to Bede.
Bede's hand hovered close to the can, but not taking it, humming quietly, wearing an expression Hop had never seen on him before.
Marnie, for once, spoke up, although her voice was as soft as ever. "If it bothers you that much, we can trade." She held up her soda for reference. "I 'aven't opened mine yet, see?"
Bede immediately turned to Marnie and took her pop. It took a few moments of quiet, even after Hop had delivered Bede's drink to Marnie and Bede had opened Marnie's drink, for him to remember; "Thanks."
Gloria nudged Marnie softly with a giggle. "A'least he remembered before he started drinking it this time, eh?" The two girls giggled softly together.
"Hey, no fair! Only I get to tease him!" Hop shot back on Bede's behalf (who was currently drinking).
"Yes, please restrain," Bede confirmed after swallowing, lowering his eyelids in distain.
Hop giggled, pleased that Bede hadn't refuted the 'nobody but me' point, and leaned over to give him a kiss on the lips. Suddenly, but most likely subtly enough that nobody but Hop would notice, Bede turned his head, so that Hop ended up kissing his cheek; and even that got him a shove on the shoulder from Bede, followed by a, "You have company, twit!"
Hop tried to laugh along with the girls as he scratched the back of his head, but it became forced very quickly.
With how Bede grew up, he was still facinated by movies. Based off of how he described it all to Hop, his orphanage only had really old, animated children's films on repeat. And, though Bede didn't like to talk about his time under the Chairman's care at all, Hop could make assumptions that he wasn't the type to take Bede out to see a movie. So Bede was easily taken in by anything even slightly modern; the experience mind-bogglingly better than the mostly black-and-white movies he had seen up until recently, even when it was just on Hop's room's telly.
Thankfully, that left Bede very distracted, and Hop time to daydream a bit during the movie that he had already seen without being called out for it. And time for said daydreaming to lead to an idea. (A cliche idea, but an idea nonetheless.)
Hop tried to not give himself away as he yawned, stretching his arms upward, and, probably too quickly (but he was eager, what could he say), he let his arms fall back down, with the one closest to Bede resting over his shoulder. When Bede didn't immediately shove him away, Hop grinned, considering it a success.
After a few minutes, though, it occurred to him that Bede hadn't commented on the movie in a while, and Hop looked to him to say something, and jumped a little in place when he saw that Bede was panicking again. Not having a panic attack (... yet?), but very clearly panicking; looking at his feet, his fists clenched, and his expression almost reminding Hop of that of a Rookidee he had saved from a trap; scared, and unsure of how to escape.
Even quicker than he had placed it there, Hop jerked his arm away, panic of his own settling in. "Woah!"
The second his arm was away, Bede physically relaxed, exhaling suddenly, as if he had been holding his breath. (Wait, had he been holding his breath?) Finally, he looked back at Hop, but his expression read as more tired than anything, like he had worn himself out. "What?"
"Hey, if you didn't want me to do that, you could have just told me, you know??"
All Bede had to offer in return was a loose shrug.
Hop furrowed his eyebrows, thinking for a moment, letting the movie fill the silence, before slowly adding, "I know I get excited... And I want to move crazy-fast! And... That's probably not your thing, you know? But..." He furrowed his eyebrows. "You... Do you want to be moving at all?"
Almost too quickly, Bede replied, "Yes!" Hop would have doubted the truth of that claim due to how fast Bede had spoke, if not for the immediate bright-red blush that bloomed across Bede's face, presumably embarrassed by his own enthusiasm. "What I meant was... Was 'sure'." He immediately looked away with a huff. "Just because I'm not all touchy-feely like you are doesn't mean I want to break up. Pillock."
Hop sighed, then laughed in relief. "Ace! You had me worried there." He softly bumped their shoulders together; physical affection he knew Bede was familiar and comfortable with, and it earned him an eye-roll and grin. "Alright, then, let's go back to the movie, then, huh?"
Bede perked up at that, and started to point to the remote controller on Hop's side of the couch. "Rewind it! To before you put your arm on me!!"
"Whaaat, did it distract you?"
"You know it did, cheeky twit, just do it!"
"Get me one." A pause. "Please."
"You're getting faster at that," Hop teased, turning to go back to Marnie's house to ask for another spare jacket. "Good boy."
Too quickly, the response came. "Don't call me that."
Hop stopped on his toes, and laughed, turning to face Bede, who refused to face him, in turn. "Aw, does that get you flustered?"
"I'm serious."
Hop started to turn back to Marnie's house to get the jacket, apparently satisfied with this amount of teasing. "Yes, I'm sure you are. If you were more honest, that would make you an even gooder-"
"I MEAN IT!!"
Hop froze, then turned slowly to face Bede a second time, and flinched back a bit. Bede's face is red, like Hop had pictured. But this wasn't red of light embarrassment from being teased.
This was anger. The type of anger that made your face flush.
Hop quickly threw his hands up in an 'I surrender' motion, and, just as quickly, blurted out, "I'm sorry, I won't." Because he knew how Bede got when he was angry.
Bede rolled his eyes, and waved off Hop, walking ahead. "Whatever. Forget it. Forget the jacket. I don't need it."
"Hey!! Wait!" Hop trailed behind Bede, trying to catch up to his pace, but, eventually, he got the feeling Bede wasn't in the mood to walk side-by-side with him. So, silently, Hop let his pace slow, until he was walking behind Bede at a comfortable distance.
The walk to Bede's home was silent almost all the way there.
Except near the end, when Bede seemed to purposefully slow his pace, as well, until the two of them were walking side-by-side. Still silent.
Then, a few minutes later...
"I'm sorry." Spoken softly, practically under Bede's breath. "... I'm trying."
Hop sighed, then smiled, even though Bede was looking at the floor. "I know ya are, mate."
Kids approached Hop on the playground a lot when he was younger. "Can we come over?" He used to be enthusiastic to say 'yes', to meet new friends, until he realized they were only asking to come over to Hop's house to meet Leon. See Leon's room. See Leon's pictures.
People approached Hop a lot whenever he went somewhere. "You're Champion Gloria's friend, correct?" When their suspicions were confirmed, they got overly-friendly. Asked about him. But he recognized the song and dance. They wanted to know about Gloria, not him.
All his life, people had pretended to like him, to care for him, to want to know him, in order to use him as a stepping stone to meet someone else more important than him. More valuable than him. Nobody really liked Hop. They liked who Hop knew. What he could do for them.
There's a memory of a kid, somewhere in the back of his mind, with a smirk and a wristwatch too big for his too-skinny arm.
"You're going to really drag Leon's name through the mud if you keep battling like this, you know?"
But that was in the past. Under Opal's care, those arms had finally gotten some meat on them. That smirk was only playful when directed at him. And, as much as Bede loved to argue the opposite, Bede had gotten softer and gentler in his words; learning that he didn't have to lash out slowly, but surely.
Slowly, but surely, Hop was learning, too. For one, he had learned to let Bede initiate all contact for himself, and that worked infinitely better than anything Hop had tried in the early months of their relationship. It was slow, but sure. Emphasis on 'slow'. (Hop wondered if Bede had to force himself to take some of those steps, even still.)
And Hop wouldn't mind. He wouldn't. If it wasn't for the fact that he was letting Marnie and Gloria have more. If Bede didn't have to bury his face in his hand when he held onto Marnie's arm, like he did when he held onto Hop's. If Bede was able to joke-flirt with Gloria (a gay man and a bi girl already in a relationship joke-flirting with each other shouldn't make Hop jealous, and yet) better than he was able to actually-flirt with Hop.
It shouldn't have bothered him when he left the three of them alone on the couch to grab something, and, when he returned, seeing Bede laying lazily across both Marnie and Gloria's laps, scrolling away on his phone.
He should have thought, He's getting more comfortable with them! I'm proud of him!
But instead, he remembered the people approaching him on the streets with friendly grins, with questions of Champion Gloria, and not of him, on their minds.
Bede stayed at Hop's home longer than Marnie and Gloria stayed that day. Marnie had a Gym challenger, Gloria had a meeting...
Hop usually loved when they were both able to do their 'things' in silence together. He loved how casual it felt without being awkward. But now, he just resented the space between them as he organized notes on the couch, and Bede flipped through a book (assigned to him by Opal) on the floor.
Eventually, Hop placed his notes aside and put his arms around Bede in a hug, trying to pull him up on the couch halfheartedly. "Heyyy, come up here, Bedey-Bedey!" He made a tongue-clicking noise, like he was trying to call a Pokemon, trying to tease him into doing as he asked.
"Warn me before you pull things like that!!" Bede slapped away Hop's hands, and Hop let him when he saw Bede starting to stand up on his own. "Bloody hell. You could have just asked." He huffed, and sat down on the opposite side of the couch.
"Come onnn, come here!" Hop tried to tug Bede closer by his clothing, finding himself smiling, already beyond happy that Bede had been able to move past going stiff at being hugged from behind. "Come on, come on!"
Bede tried to pull his arm away, annoyance showing on his face, and Hop was too focused on bringing Bede closer to analyze if it was geniune or put-on. "What is it you want?? Use your words, prat."
"I want to cuddle, of course!! Come on!" He tugged harder on Bede's clothes, giggling.
"Ay, I never agreed to that!"
Hop rolled his eyes playfully, conceeding with this. "Alriiight. Just a quick kiss, then!"
Hop instead used his grip on Bede's clothes to pull him closer, then using his other hand to hold Bede's face still so he wouldn't turn his head away.
Then, there was pain at the front of his head, pain at the back of his head.
Hop's eyes shot opened, looking down, then behind him; Bede had slapped his hand over Hop's face, then slammed the back of his head into the wall (above where the back of the couch was) to push him away. Hop huffed, then pouting playfully, staring at Bede's narrowed eyes. "Aw, come on, mate, you could have just said 'no'. No cuddles, and when I want one little kiss, I get a head injury? So cruel to me."
And Hop was sure his response was light and playful. Especially in response to Bede slamming the back of his head into the wall. But Bede huffed indignantly, eyes wide with disbelief, as if Hop had said something unreasonable.
"I don't owe you anything!"
And it was Bede's tone that threw Hop off; his wavering voice that tipped him on to how bad Hop must have messed up. Hop took a breath to say something when Bede pulled his hand away from Hop's face, but Bede was already standing up and storming out of the room, his shoulders shaking with what Hop was hoping was anger, and not out of... Something else.
Hop let Bede leave, because he knew how Bede got when he was mad. But that left him alone with his thoughts, and with the memories of what had just happened.
... Hell. He'd been a real tosser, hadn't he??
... How long had Bede been gone?
Guilt and concern (but Hop would like to believe it was mostly concern) brought Hop to stand up and glance around his house, searching for Bede. He was fairly sure he hadn't heard Bede's angry footsteps above him, so he searched the lower floor, checking the kitchen, then the stairway. He was about to consider checking upstairs when he noticed that the closet in the room between the living room and kitchen was closed, when he was fairly sure he had left it opened the last time he had retrieved something from it.
He slowly approached it, then tapped his knuckles against the door a few times. "Bede?"
He heard something shuffling behind the closet door.
Hop sighed in relief, before grinning fondly to himself, chuffed that he had found him. "I know you're in there, Bede." He paused, before adding, "You don't have to say anything. I'll just..." He pressed his back to the closet door, then slid down until he was sitting. "... Sit out here."
And he did sit out there. In silence, for quite a while. He started to wonder if the shuffling he heard was maybe his family's Purrloin.
"... Sorry."
Hop smiled again at hearing Bede speak. "I'm sorry, too. I was a right tosser."
When Hop half-expected reassurance that he had done nothing wrong, he instead got a, "Yeah, you were," which made him snort with amusement.
"Right." Hop tilted his head to the side, staring at the ceiling. "... I should have known better than to pressure you like that."
Again, he got an affirmation. "Yes, you should've."
"Alright, alright, I get it." Hop rolled his eyes to himself, grinning. "But, what about you, yeah?" His eyes lowered to the ground, and the hands in his lap. "... Do you not like me?"
"I told you before, didn't I?? Just because I'm not touchy-feely like you are-"
"But it's not that you're not touchy-feely. It's that you're not touchy-feely with me. Specifically."
"What are you-"
"You laid in Mar and Glo's lap today."
"... Oh."
"Yeah." ... "You don't really want to be my boyfriend, do you?"
"How many times do I have to say that I do? It's embarrassing."
"But you could want me for... For not me. For... For someone else. Something else. I don't know what you're using me to get yet, but-"
Hop jumped when he heard a fist slam against a wall, interrupting his thought process.
"Don't be daft."
"... Sorry." Hop swallowed down his worries, prepared to internalize them again.
But then, Bede spoke again. The start of a thought, not quite finished.
"The Chairman..." His voice faded.
Hop waited for a few moments. Then, prompted, "Yeah?"
"... He... Did things... To me. That I... Didn't understand, that I... Still don't understand."
Hop felt like this was some sort of big confession, with how raw Bede's voice sounded, even through the door. But, the tone of the words didn't mean that the words, when put together, made any more sense.
"... Oh." Hop pretended to get it, not wanting to force anything out of Bede. (He'd learned better than to force Bede to do anything.)
"You don't know what I mean, do you?"
"... No. I don't."
"I thought so."
He went quiet, and Hop let him think.
"... He told me not to tell anyone. Because people who aren't us wouldn't understand. Would cause a large ruckus for no reason. Would not know how mature for my age I truly was. Would throw the Chairman in jail. And where would I be if he was in jail? Back then, of course. I would have nowhere to go. He knew that I didn't. Knew that I would likely go back to that crumbling orphanage. Knew I was afraid of going back to that orphanage. Maggot he is."
"What... Did he tell you not to talk about?" Hop chose his words carefully, feeling like one wrong word would break whatever spell the two of them were under.
"What he did to me." Bede swallowed. "He said it was because he was in love with me. He told me that... It was what lovers did for each other."
Hop felt his stomach twist, hearing Bede's words, but not quite registering them all. Not quite understanding them. In denial of the implications. Sure, victims of… That existed. But there was no way that he knew someone who had gone through something so…
"He was in love with me, and how could I not reciprocate? He was everything to me. He saved me. He gave me everything I ever had, a new life, allowing me to rise from the ashes. How could I not love him back, if... He might give me up if I don't? How could I... Say no... To anything he asked me for? I couldn't. So I didn't. And I let him... Do whatever he wanted."
"Bede-"
"Please let me finish." These words came out faster than all the others.
The 'please' caught Hop's ear immediately. He nodded, even though Bede couldn't see.
He heard Bede sigh. "I don't remember everything about the first time that it happened. But I remember... Sudden touches. I remember being told to drink something that had already been opened, and suddenly getting sleepy and dizzy. I remember being told that... He loved me. And that I was a..." He swallowed again. "Good boy for letting him do this to me."
Hop felt bile rise up in his throat. It was far too real.
"It hurt, but he told me that it was okay. Because he loved me. But it wasn't okay. Because I was 8 years old. And because he was my adoptive father. And because he kept going and told me to be quiet when I started to cry because 'what if we got caught', and because he told me it was to prove my worth to him, and because I lost track of how many times it happened after around 23. He taught me that that... What he did to me. How he treated me. That is what love is.
"But now... Now, I'm learning what it really is, I suppose. But now, you call yourself what the Chairman used to call himself. And you say all those things that he used to. And you're starting to do things to me that he used to do, and that..."
"I would never." Hop could feel tears welling up in his eyes, but he had to say something, anything. "I would never, ever, ever force you to do anything like that-"
"I know."
Hop sighed, then put his head in his hands, rubbing the tears out of his eyes. "I am so, so sorry. I am such an arsehole, I am just... The worst person."
"You've already apologized, twit."
Hop turned to face the door indignantly. "But I didn't understand, then!! I didn't understand why you... Oh, my gosh, all those times I touched you from behind and- and the time that I kept jokingly calling you a g-good boy, and-"
"It's not as if you knew any better, even if you should have buggered off then."
"But I shouldn't have had to know!! I should have just listened, and not pressured you into things, and not make you feel like you had to tell me this-!!"
"Stop beating yourself up, or I'll beat you up for you. Got it?"
Hop snapped his jaw shut.
"Just don't do it again."
Hop hummed in agreement.
After a moment, he perked up. "Wait, we have to tell someone, we can't just-!"
"Miss Opal knows. She pretty much figured it out for herself. She's sharper than she seems. She just needed my confirmation, and waited around until I told her myself."
"But did you tell the police, or-"
"Why the bloody hell would I do that? Maggot's already going to be rotting in jail for the rest of his life. Why bother putting all of that information out there, if it won't be doing any good?"
"Can I come in?"
The request clearly caught Bede off-guard, because he went silent for a beat. "... I suppose."
When Hop opened the door and let the light shine in to the closet, Bede flinched and shielded himself from the light, so Hop hurried in closing the door, and sitting down next to Bede. With the small amount of light coming in from underneath the door, Hop could make out Bede's outline, but not much else.
"Are you okay?"
"It is fine."
Hop felt his back straighten. "It's not fine-!"
"Alright! It is not fine. And I was not fine then. And perhaps not completely fine now. But I'm... Coping."
"Yeah?" Hop felt a lopsided smile find a way to his lips. "Really?"
"Yes. Miss Opal is seeking out a therapist for me. I was not fond of the idea at first, but we both agreed it might be beneficial. I have also gotten better with various symptoms of the aftermath. I am working towards getting past what he did to me, and I am becoming stronger because of it."
"Oh!!" Hop bounced a bit in place, his grin growing. "That's so great, Bede! I'm proud of you!! And- and I’ll be with you the whole way, you know?! Just like Opal!!"
"... Thank you." Hop could practically hear the blush in Bede's voice, and it made him chuckle. He still wasn't quite used to getting praise, and his quiet, hesitant 'thank you's were always so cute.
Hop thought that was basically the end of the conversation, and was about to offer to leave, before he felt Bede's fingers grip his hand. Too stunned to do or say anything, he stayed still and silent, allowing Bede to guide his hand up, and Hop audibly gasped when he felt a pair of warm lips meet his knuckles. The first time Bede had kissed him first.
"There is your kiss. I am sure it is not exactly what you had in mind, but-"
Bede was interrupted by Hop giving a happy little noise, bringing both hands to cover his face as he giggled, flustered.
"... I suppose you do not mind, then."
So, yeah, the target audience of this fanfic is literally just myself, specifically, and maybe, like, 7 people, because I know that CSA recovery is a decently niche concept to be covered in fanfic. (Write it more, authors of AO3; I need to PROJECT, dammit!)
Fandom: Pokemon
Characters: Bede, Hop, Marnie, Gloria, Leon (mentioned), Opal (mentioned), Chairman Rose (mentioned)
Relationships: Bede/Hop
Words: 4,989
Content Warnings: Rape (discussed, does not take place in story)
Tropes: Rape Recovery & Aftermath, Abuse Recovery & Aftermath, Hurt/Comfort, Character with PTSD (Bede), Developing Relationship
Summary: All his life, people had pretended to like Hop to want to know him, in order to use him as a stepping stone to meet someone else more important than him. Nobody really liked Hop. They liked who Hop knew. What he could do for them.
What else is he supposed to think when his own boyfriend seems to hate his affection?
PLEASE READ THE TAGS!! Also, this is written by an actual childhood sexual abuse victim, so if y'all think this is some sort of fetish shit, it isn't. It treats CSA as a serious topic, and it's only talked about. Nothing bad actually happens in the story; it's about a CSA victim recovering and learning to get better.
Disclaimers are done now! So, this was inspired by the number of sexualized 'Rose sexually abusing Bede' fics there are on here, with little to no fics about Bede recovering from such an event, or getting support. And I love to project my problems onto fictional characters, so, if nobody else is gonna do it, I'll just do it myself!
I'm not too happy with how this came out? I feel like everyone is out of character, because I've never written most of them before. I struggled quite a bit. So I might come back and make a few tweaks in editing? I dunno yet.
Anyways, I hope you enjoy!
Hop had never been a huge fan of romance movies, but he had watched them. Mostly because of Gloria, to be fair; when they were sleeping over at her house, which meant she got to pick the movie. He had read books with romantic subplots, as many books tend to have, although he never exact sought them out...
He was decently sure, based off of those stories he had grown up seeing, that this was decidedly not how it was supposed to go.
But Hop kept those sentiments to himself, of course. He knew when to stay quiet (most of the time). So he just silently sat with Bede as he gasped for breath and rubbed at his face and arms, curled up into a ball on the ground. Hop knew what Bede was going through, of course. He was prone to panic attacks himself. But, again, he was pretty sure that this is not how most people react to a love confession. But there was no doubt that it was that which had triggered Bede's panic. Even before Hop had gotten the word 'boyfriend' out fully on their walk through Glimwood Tangle, Bede's breathing had audibly picked up. And, given that Hop was the cause of his panicking, he wasn't exactly sure how to comfort Bede. So, he just sat next to him, watching, waiting, silently concerned.
It took a long while for Bede's breathing to slow again, and his trembling to steady. And it took even longer after that for him to stop hiding his face in his knees to speak.
He rubbed his eyes, like he was waking up from a nap, instead of a panic attack. "I do apologize..." he offered, and, despite his audible efforts to steady his voice, it still cracked. "That must have been very bothersome. Please, forget about that."
"Oh, don't you worry about it!" Hop offered his best grin. "It's alright!"
Bede hummed, glancing away as he thought. Quietly, he stated, "I would enjoy that."
"Huh?"
Bede's lip curled in annoyance, but in a practiced way, that Hop had long-ago recognized as more so put on than anything. "To what you said earlier, you dolt!"
Hop felt his face go warm again, the nervous flickering in his stomach from the confession returning as if it had never left. "Oh- seriously?!" He laughed a-little-too-loud, nervous. "I thought that, since you reacted like THAT to the idea, you wouldn't exactly-"
"I told you to FORGET about that!" Oh, so that was serious? "I-!" Bede crossed his arms, and glanced away with a huff, and Hop fought off a grin; Bede was awfully cute when he pouted. "It was unexpected. Sudden, is all."
"You're serious?!" Hop found himself leaning towards Bede, his grin growing wider, and Bede leaned away in return, his face growing pinker.
"How many times do you want me to say it??" Bede half-buried his face in his hand. "Yes. I am serious." He let his hand drop, but kept looking away, struggling to get the words out over his apparent embarrassment. "I would like to be your boyfriend."
Hop whooped in celebration, launching himself into Bede's chest, and he felt Bede naturally catch him in his arms, despite his protesting. "QUIET!! What if someone is out here, you know how the paparazzi get...!!"
He had to check around the immedate vacinity for anyone out with a phone or camera first, but, eventually, once everything had calmed down, Hop found himself letting his head rest on Bede's shoulder as they sat together and Hop took notes of the wildlife. And, thanks to the glow of the mushrooms and wild Pokemon, he could see Bede allowing himself soft, secret little smiles every now and then.
That felt more like the stories Hop knew.
The next time the two boys saw each other wasn't a planned date, or anything of the sort, but a pleasant surprise, with Hop catching a glimpse of pink and blue out of the corner of his eye at a store in Hammerlocke. He quickly darted behind a shelf with a mischevious grin already growing, abandoning his shopping trip temporarily to listen closely for Bede's voice (perhaps on the phone), growing closer slowly.
Before Bede could turn the corner and spot Hop, though, Hop jumped out and threw his arms around his boyfriend, with an exclaimation of, "HI!!", not unlike someone exclaiming "BOO!"
Appropriately for that comparison, Bede made a frightened squawking noise and stumbled backwards a few feet before Hop could catch him in his arms, which made Hop laugh, shoving his face next to Bede's affectionately. "Aww, did I get ya? Huh, huh??"
It took a few moments of Hop giggling to realize he wasn't getting a response from Bede, which prompted him noticing how... Stiff Bede's body had become. Still keeping his arms on Bede's shoulders, he backed away, still grinning, but now with slanted eyebrows. "You good, Bede?"
At the call of his name, Bede's face shifted from a sort of blank shock, blinking rapidly a few times as if light was shining at him. "Yes." Again, as if recovering from a light shining in his eyes, he rubbed them. "Yes. Hop. Hello." He sighed, his shoulders relaxing, and Hop found himself relaxing, in turn, with a lopsided grin.
... "WHAT was the meaning of THAT?!"
Hop laughed in return. There was the reaction he expected.
Despite everything, Bede still loved to claim he was not a part of Hop's friend group. And he could say that all he wanted to, but Hop knew better. Given that, for one, he had come when Hop had invited everyone over to his house to help him put together a project for Sonia, and, for two, he did this knowing everyone else would come along, as well.
Early on in the planned all-nighter, Hop came back into his room after previously leaving with an armful of cans, barely balanced as he opened his door. "As promised, pop for everyone!" Gloria threw her arms up a 'whoop'ed, but, of course, Marnie just smiled quietly and Bede just held out a hand expectantly. Hop tossed a can to Gloria first, who caught it with ease, then Marnie, who stumbled a little. He then plopped down next to Bede, and handed him his can.
Bede looked at Hop's offering, not taking it. He furrowed his eyebrows. "It's... Been opened."
Hop rose his shoulders to his ears, with an embarrassed giggle. "I tried to open my own pop on my way here, y'see, but I mistook your favorite brand for mine! Sorry, mate. I only took one little sip, though!" He pushed the soda closer to Bede.
Bede's hand hovered close to the can, but not taking it, humming quietly, wearing an expression Hop had never seen on him before.
Marnie, for once, spoke up, although her voice was as soft as ever. "If it bothers you that much, we can trade." She held up her soda for reference. "I 'aven't opened mine yet, see?"
Bede immediately turned to Marnie and took her pop. It took a few moments of quiet, even after Hop had delivered Bede's drink to Marnie and Bede had opened Marnie's drink, for him to remember; "Thanks."
Gloria nudged Marnie softly with a giggle. "A'least he remembered before he started drinking it this time, eh?" The two girls giggled softly together.
"Hey, no fair! Only I get to tease him!" Hop shot back on Bede's behalf (who was currently drinking).
"Yes, please restrain," Bede confirmed after swallowing, lowering his eyelids in distain.
Hop giggled, pleased that Bede hadn't refuted the 'nobody but me' point, and leaned over to give him a kiss on the lips. Suddenly, but most likely subtly enough that nobody but Hop would notice, Bede turned his head, so that Hop ended up kissing his cheek; and even that got him a shove on the shoulder from Bede, followed by a, "You have company, twit!"
Hop tried to laugh along with the girls as he scratched the back of his head, but it became forced very quickly.
Had Bede not even trusted him to do something as simple as deliver a drink?
With how Bede grew up, he was still facinated by movies. Based off of how he described it all to Hop, his orphanage only had really old, animated children's films on repeat. And, though Bede didn't like to talk about his time under the Chairman's care at all, Hop could make assumptions that he wasn't the type to take Bede out to see a movie. So Bede was easily taken in by anything even slightly modern; the experience mind-bogglingly better than the mostly black-and-white movies he had seen up until recently, even when it was just on Hop's room's telly.
Thankfully, that left Bede very distracted, and Hop time to daydream a bit during the movie that he had already seen without being called out for it. And time for said daydreaming to lead to an idea. (A cliche idea, but an idea nonetheless.)
Hop tried to not give himself away as he yawned, stretching his arms upward, and, probably too quickly (but he was eager, what could he say), he let his arms fall back down, with the one closest to Bede resting over his shoulder. When Bede didn't immediately shove him away, Hop grinned, considering it a success.
After a few minutes, though, it occurred to him that Bede hadn't commented on the movie in a while, and Hop looked to him to say something, and jumped a little in place when he saw that Bede was panicking again. Not having a panic attack (... yet?), but very clearly panicking; looking at his feet, his fists clenched, and his expression almost reminding Hop of that of a Rookidee he had saved from a trap; scared, and unsure of how to escape.
Even quicker than he had placed it there, Hop jerked his arm away, panic of his own settling in. "Woah!"
The second his arm was away, Bede physically relaxed, exhaling suddenly, as if he had been holding his breath. (Wait, had he been holding his breath?) Finally, he looked back at Hop, but his expression read as more tired than anything, like he had worn himself out. "What?"
"Hey, if you didn't want me to do that, you could have just told me, you know??"
All Bede had to offer in return was a loose shrug.
Hop furrowed his eyebrows, thinking for a moment, letting the movie fill the silence, before slowly adding, "I know I get excited... And I want to move crazy-fast! And... That's probably not your thing, you know? But..." He furrowed his eyebrows. "You... Do you want to be moving at all?"
Almost too quickly, Bede replied, "Yes!" Hop would have doubted the truth of that claim due to how fast Bede had spoke, if not for the immediate bright-red blush that bloomed across Bede's face, presumably embarrassed by his own enthusiasm. "What I meant was... Was 'sure'." He immediately looked away with a huff. "Just because I'm not all touchy-feely like you are doesn't mean I want to break up. Pillock."
Hop sighed, then laughed in relief. "Ace! You had me worried there." He softly bumped their shoulders together; physical affection he knew Bede was familiar and comfortable with, and it earned him an eye-roll and grin. "Alright, then, let's go back to the movie, then, huh?"
Bede perked up at that, and started to point to the remote controller on Hop's side of the couch. "Rewind it! To before you put your arm on me!!"
"Whaaat, did it distract you?"
"You know it did, cheeky twit, just do it!"
"Get me one." A pause. "Please."
"You're getting faster at that," Hop teased, turning to go back to Marnie's house to ask for another spare jacket. "Good boy."
Too quickly, the response came. "Don't call me that."
Hop stopped on his toes, and laughed, turning to face Bede, who refused to face him, in turn. "Aw, does that get you flustered?"
"I'm serious."
Hop started to turn back to Marnie's house to get the jacket, apparently satisfied with this amount of teasing. "Yes, I'm sure you are. If you were more honest, that would make you an even gooder-"
"I MEAN IT!!"
Hop froze, then turned slowly to face Bede a second time, and flinched back a bit. Bede's face is red, like Hop had pictured. But this wasn't red of light embarrassment from being teased.
This was anger. The type of anger that made your face flush.
Hop quickly threw his hands up in an 'I surrender' motion, and, just as quickly, blurted out, "I'm sorry, I won't." Because he knew how Bede got when he was angry.
Bede rolled his eyes, and waved off Hop, walking ahead. "Whatever. Forget it. Forget the jacket. I don't need it."
"Hey!! Wait!" Hop trailed behind Bede, trying to catch up to his pace, but, eventually, he got the feeling Bede wasn't in the mood to walk side-by-side with him. So, silently, Hop let his pace slow, until he was walking behind Bede at a comfortable distance.
The walk to Bede's home was silent almost all the way there.
Except near the end, when Bede seemed to purposefully slow his pace, as well, until the two of them were walking side-by-side. Still silent.
Then, a few minutes later...
"I'm sorry." Spoken softly, practically under Bede's breath. "... I'm trying."
Hop sighed, then smiled, even though Bede was looking at the floor. "I know ya are, mate."
Kids approached Hop on the playground a lot when he was younger. "Can we come over?" He used to be enthusiastic to say 'yes', to meet new friends, until he realized they were only asking to come over to Hop's house to meet Leon. See Leon's room. See Leon's pictures.
People approached Hop a lot whenever he went somewhere. "You're Champion Gloria's friend, correct?" When their suspicions were confirmed, they got overly-friendly. Asked about him. But he recognized the song and dance. They wanted to know about Gloria, not him.
All his life, people had pretended to like him, to care for him, to want to know him, in order to use him as a stepping stone to meet someone else more important than him. More valuable than him. Nobody really liked Hop. They liked who Hop knew. What he could do for them.
There's a memory of a kid, somewhere in the back of his mind, with a smirk and a wristwatch too big for his too-skinny arm.
"You're going to really drag Leon's name through the mud if you keep battling like this, you know?"
But that was in the past. Under Opal's care, those arms had finally gotten some meat on them. That smirk was only playful when directed at him. And, as much as Bede loved to argue the opposite, Bede had gotten softer and gentler in his words; learning that he didn't have to lash out slowly, but surely.
Slowly, but surely, Hop was learning, too. For one, he had learned to let Bede initiate all contact for himself, and that worked infinitely better than anything Hop had tried in the early months of their relationship. It was slow, but sure. Emphasis on 'slow'. (Hop wondered if Bede had to force himself to take some of those steps, even still.)
And Hop wouldn't mind. He wouldn't. If it wasn't for the fact that he was letting Marnie and Gloria have more. If Bede didn't have to bury his face in his hand when he held onto Marnie's arm, like he did when he held onto Hop's. If Bede was able to joke-flirt with Gloria (a gay man and a bi girl already in a relationship joke-flirting with each other shouldn't make Hop jealous, and yet) better than he was able to actually-flirt with Hop.
It shouldn't have bothered him when he left the three of them alone on the couch to grab something, and, when he returned, seeing Bede laying lazily across both Marnie and Gloria's laps, scrolling away on his phone.
He should have thought, He's getting more comfortable with them! I'm proud of him!
But instead, he remembered the people approaching him on the streets with friendly grins, with questions of Champion Gloria, and not of him, on their minds.
Bede stayed at Hop's home longer than Marnie and Gloria stayed that day. Marnie had a Gym challenger, Gloria had a meeting...
Hop usually loved when they were both able to do their 'things' in silence together. He loved how casual it felt without being awkward. But now, he just resented the space between them as he organized notes on the couch, and Bede flipped through a book (assigned to him by Opal) on the floor.
Eventually, Hop placed his notes aside and put his arms around Bede in a hug, trying to pull him up on the couch halfheartedly. "Heyyy, come up here, Bedey-Bedey!" He made a tongue-clicking noise, like he was trying to call a Pokemon, trying to tease him into doing as he asked.
"Warn me before you pull things like that!!" Bede slapped away Hop's hands, and Hop let him when he saw Bede starting to stand up on his own. "Bloody hell. You could have just asked." He huffed, and sat down on the opposite side of the couch.
"Come onnn, come here!" Hop tried to tug Bede closer by his clothing, finding himself smiling, already beyond happy that Bede had been able to move past going stiff at being hugged from behind. "Come on, come on!"
Bede tried to pull his arm away, annoyance showing on his face, and Hop was too focused on bringing Bede closer to analyze if it was geniune or put-on. "What is it you want?? Use your words, prat."
"I want to cuddle, of course!! Come on!" He tugged harder on Bede's clothes, giggling.
"Ay, I never agreed to that!"
Hop rolled his eyes playfully, conceeding with this. "Alriiight. Just a quick kiss, then!"
Hop instead used his grip on Bede's clothes to pull him closer, then using his other hand to hold Bede's face still so he wouldn't turn his head away.
Then, there was pain at the front of his head, pain at the back of his head.
Hop's eyes shot opened, looking down, then behind him; Bede had slapped his hand over Hop's face, then slammed the back of his head into the wall (above where the back of the couch was) to push him away. Hop huffed, then pouting playfully, staring at Bede's narrowed eyes. "Aw, come on, mate, you could have just said 'no'. No cuddles, and when I want one little kiss, I get a head injury? So cruel to me."
And Hop was sure his response was light and playful. Especially in response to Bede slamming the back of his head into the wall. But Bede huffed indignantly, eyes wide with disbelief, as if Hop had said something unreasonable.
"I don't owe you anything!"
And it was Bede's tone that threw Hop off; his wavering voice that tipped him on to how bad Hop must have messed up. Hop took a breath to say something when Bede pulled his hand away from Hop's face, but Bede was already standing up and storming out of the room, his shoulders shaking with what Hop was hoping was anger, and not out of... Something else.
Hop let Bede leave, because he knew how Bede got when he was mad. But that left him alone with his thoughts, and with the memories of what had just happened.
... Hell. He'd been a real tosser, hadn't he??
... How long had Bede been gone?
Guilt and concern (but Hop would like to believe it was mostly concern) brought Hop to stand up and glance around his house, searching for Bede. He was fairly sure he hadn't heard Bede's angry footsteps above him, so he searched the lower floor, checking the kitchen, then the stairway. He was about to consider checking upstairs when he noticed that the closet in the room between the living room and kitchen was closed, when he was fairly sure he had left it opened the last time he had retrieved something from it.
He slowly approached it, then tapped his knuckles against the door a few times. "Bede?"
He heard something shuffling behind the closet door.
Hop sighed in relief, before grinning fondly to himself, chuffed that he had found him. "I know you're in there, Bede." He paused, before adding, "You don't have to say anything. I'll just..." He pressed his back to the closet door, then slid down until he was sitting. "... Sit out here."
And he did sit out there. In silence, for quite a while. He started to wonder if the shuffling he heard was maybe his family's Purrloin.
"... Sorry."
Hop smiled again at hearing Bede speak. "I'm sorry, too. I was a right tosser."
When Hop half-expected reassurance that he had done nothing wrong, he instead got a, "Yeah, you were," which made him snort with amusement.
"Right." Hop tilted his head to the side, staring at the ceiling. "... I should have known better than to pressure you like that."
Again, he got an affirmation. "Yes, you should've."
"Alright, alright, I get it." Hop rolled his eyes to himself, grinning. "But, what about you, yeah?" His eyes lowered to the ground, and the hands in his lap. "... Do you not like me?"
"I told you before, didn't I?? Just because I'm not touchy-feely like you are-"
"But it's not that you're not touchy-feely. It's that you're not touchy-feely with me. Specifically."
"What are you-"
"You laid in Mar and Glo's lap today."
"... Oh."
"Yeah." ... "You don't really want to be my boyfriend, do you?"
"How many times do I have to say that I do? It's embarrassing."
"But you could want me for... For not me. For... For someone else. Something else. I don't know what you're using me to get yet, but-"
Hop jumped when he heard a fist slam against a wall, interrupting his thought process.
"Don't be daft."
"... Sorry." Hop swallowed down his worries, prepared to internalize them again.
But then, Bede spoke again. The start of a thought, not quite finished.
"The Chairman..." His voice faded.
Hop waited for a few moments. Then, prompted, "Yeah?"
"... He... Did things... To me. That I... Didn't understand, that I... Still don't understand."
Hop felt like this was some sort of big confession, with how raw Bede's voice sounded, even through the door. But, the tone of the words didn't mean that the words, when put together, made any more sense.
"... Oh." Hop pretended to get it, not wanting to force anything out of Bede. (He'd learned better than to force Bede to do anything.)
"You don't know what I mean, do you?"
"... No. I don't."
"I thought so."
He went quiet, and Hop let him think.
"... He told me not to tell anyone. Because people who aren't us wouldn't understand. Would cause a large ruckus for no reason. Would not know how mature for my age I truly was. Would throw the Chairman in jail. And where would I be if he was in jail? Back then, of course. I would have nowhere to go. He knew that I didn't. Knew that I would likely go back to that crumbling orphanage. Knew I was afraid of going back to that orphanage. Maggot he is."
"What... Did he tell you not to talk about?" Hop chose his words carefully, feeling like one wrong word would break whatever spell the two of them were under.
"What he did to me." Bede swallowed. "He said it was because he was in love with me. He told me that... It was what lovers did for each other."
Hop felt his stomach twist, hearing Bede's words, but not quite registering them all. Not quite understanding them. In denial of the implications. Sure, victims of… That existed. But there was no way that he knew someone who had gone through something so…
"He was in love with me, and how could I not reciprocate? He was everything to me. He saved me. He gave me everything I ever had, a new life, allowing me to rise from the ashes. How could I not love him back, if... He might give me up if I don't? How could I... Say no... To anything he asked me for? I couldn't. So I didn't. And I let him... Do whatever he wanted."
"Bede-"
"Please let me finish." These words came out faster than all the others.
The 'please' caught Hop's ear immediately. He nodded, even though Bede couldn't see.
He heard Bede sigh. "I don't remember everything about the first time that it happened. But I remember... Sudden touches. I remember being told to drink something that had already been opened, and suddenly getting sleepy and dizzy. I remember being told that... He loved me. And that I was a..." He swallowed again. "Good boy for letting him do this to me."
Hop felt bile rise up in his throat. It was far too real.
"It hurt, but he told me that it was okay. Because he loved me. But it wasn't okay. Because I was 8 years old. And because he was my adoptive father. And because he kept going and told me to be quiet when I started to cry because 'what if we got caught', and because he told me it was to prove my worth to him, and because I lost track of how many times it happened after around 23. He taught me that that... What he did to me. How he treated me. That is what love is.
"But now... Now, I'm learning what it really is, I suppose. But now, you call yourself what the Chairman used to call himself. And you say all those things that he used to. And you're starting to do things to me that he used to do, and that..."
"I would never." Hop could feel tears welling up in his eyes, but he had to say something, anything. "I would never, ever, ever force you to do anything like that-"
"I know."
Hop sighed, then put his head in his hands, rubbing the tears out of his eyes. "I am so, so sorry. I am such an arsehole, I am just... The worst person."
"You've already apologized, twit."
Hop turned to face the door indignantly. "But I didn't understand, then!! I didn't understand why you... Oh, my gosh, all those times I touched you from behind and- and the time that I kept jokingly calling you a g-good boy, and-"
"It's not as if you knew any better, even if you should have buggered off then."
"But I shouldn't have had to know!! I should have just listened, and not pressured you into things, and not make you feel like you had to tell me this-!!"
"Stop beating yourself up, or I'll beat you up for you. Got it?"
Hop snapped his jaw shut.
"Just don't do it again."
Hop hummed in agreement.
After a moment, he perked up. "Wait, we have to tell someone, we can't just-!"
"Miss Opal knows. She pretty much figured it out for herself. She's sharper than she seems. She just needed my confirmation, and waited around until I told her myself."
"But did you tell the police, or-"
"Why the bloody hell would I do that? Maggot's already going to be rotting in jail for the rest of his life. Why bother putting all of that information out there, if it won't be doing any good?"
"Can I come in?"
The request clearly caught Bede off-guard, because he went silent for a beat. "... I suppose."
When Hop opened the door and let the light shine in to the closet, Bede flinched and shielded himself from the light, so Hop hurried in closing the door, and sitting down next to Bede. With the small amount of light coming in from underneath the door, Hop could make out Bede's outline, but not much else.
"Are you okay?"
"It is fine."
Hop felt his back straighten. "It's not fine-!"
"Alright! It is not fine. And I was not fine then. And perhaps not completely fine now. But I'm... Coping."
"Yeah?" Hop felt a lopsided smile find a way to his lips. "Really?"
"Yes. Miss Opal is seeking out a therapist for me. I was not fond of the idea at first, but we both agreed it might be beneficial. I have also gotten better with various symptoms of the aftermath. I am working towards getting past what he did to me, and I am becoming stronger because of it."
"Oh!!" Hop bounced a bit in place, his grin growing. "That's so great, Bede! I'm proud of you!! And- and I’ll be with you the whole way, you know?! Just like Opal!!"
"... Thank you." Hop could practically hear the blush in Bede's voice, and it made him chuckle. He still wasn't quite used to getting praise, and his quiet, hesitant 'thank you's were always so cute.
Hop thought that was basically the end of the conversation, and was about to offer to leave, before he felt Bede's fingers grip his hand. Too stunned to do or say anything, he stayed still and silent, allowing Bede to guide his hand up, and Hop audibly gasped when he felt a pair of warm lips meet his knuckles. The first time Bede had kissed him first.
"There is your kiss. I am sure it is not exactly what you had in mind, but-"
Bede was interrupted by Hop giving a happy little noise, bringing both hands to cover his face as he giggled, flustered.
"... I suppose you do not mind, then."
So, yeah, the target audience of this fanfic is literally just myself, specifically, and maybe, like, 7 people, because I know that CSA recovery is a decently niche concept to be covered in fanfic. (Write it more, authors of AO3; I need to PROJECT, dammit!)