bedes | Recent Entries

Hi! My names are Azure and Bede. I'm a young autistic (and otherwise disabled) adult who loves to ramble. My pronouns are he/she/bun/moon/star/fae, but if you don't know how to use neos (guide), just he/she is fine. Just remember to alternate! I'm also a bisexual bigender boygirl, among other things.

I use "cringe but free" as my life motto, so expect accordingly! In terms of hobbies, I'm an artist, writer (of fanfic, essays, and analysis), webmaster, editor, and self-defined "general enthusiast". You can expect for me to journal about my fandoms, my interests, and my personal life!

More information (including general journal information and fannish information) is under the cut!

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I'm totally fine with anyone subscribing to my journal, so long as nothing above brings up any issues! If you want to check out my icons, the community for them is

pastelveil. If you're interested in my fic and analysis pieces, they're all mirrored here on Dreamwidth at

fairyfic, which has a much more thorough tagging system. Other places you can find me online can be found in my journal's sidebar on desktop, or at the bottom of the page on mobile. I hope that we can get along well! ♡

Current Mood: loved
Current Music: MELLOMELLOID - Kairiki bear

So. Um. No lighthearted way to say this, so, here goes: one of my family's pets had to be put down a few days ago, and it's been pretty rough for me. So, to help give myself something to do, I've decided to take on the little project I mentioned in the previous post: a multifandom flash exchange for fics involving internalized queerphobia! (The nice comments on that post also helped encourage me, so thank you all!)

The AO3 collection, tagset, and Dreamwidth community (

exshamenge) are all set up now! I want to say, in the end, setting them all up took around 3 hours? As I suspected, the AO3 stuff was the biggest pain to set up, because I really didn't understand what certain options meant, even if I clicked to view the little explanations. I had to reference what other exchanges did (both on AO3 and especially on Dreamwidth) a lot. But I think everything should be good now.

I set up a few preliminary tags for the event that I know will be relevant, too. This includes "Character Has Internalized (Acephobia, Anti-Transmasculinity, Arophobia, Biphobia, Exorsexism, Homophobia, Lesbophobia, Queerphobia, Transmisogyny, Transphobia)", and "Character Is in Denial About (Sexuality, Gender Identity)".

Tag nominations just opened (it's 1am in my timezone, so it's already the 18th), so I'll advertise the exchange on my Tumblr and in

fandomcalendar and

flashexchanges once it's a decent hour. Sign-ups for it opens on the 20th, so in a few days.

I'm curious what fandoms and tropes people will nominate. Way more curious than I expected to be! Very exciting. I look forward to seeing what everyone writes 'n all!

It's been a while! Again. I got a little intimidated by my backlog of posts that I'd have to crosspost here... then I remembered that I literally don't have to crosspost my backlog. So I'm normal again! (I really seem to enjoy intimidating myself out of doing things that I enjoy doing.)

Anywhosies! I want to run a fandom flash exchange. Bad. I've been thinking it over for months. I've already done a few fandom events (2 zines, a ship week, 2 exchanges: a MILGRAM Valentine's Day exchange and an In Stars and Time Christmas exchange). But, for some reason, I'm finding the idea of this particular exchange intimidating. Mostly, I think, because I'd want to run it via AO3 and Dreamwidth, when basically all previous events were mostly done through Tumblr and Discord. I think it'd be best running it through AO3 and Dreamwidth because I'm picturing it as a multifandom exchange, which those two places are especially good for.

If you're curious, it would be themed around my favorite trope: internalized queerphobia. I'd call it "Multifandom Internalized Queerphobia Exchange", or, for short, the "exshamenge". (Yes, I am proud of myself for that one.)

Because it's multifandom, I also worry that it may bloom out of my control if there are too many participants. I've purposefully capped all the events I had to heavily manage at around 30-ish participants. But maybe, if AO3 automates a lot of it, I can afford to be more hands-off? Do I want to be more hands-off? I like it when I can personally chat a bit to participants. But maybe I'm vastly overestimating how many people would want to participate in an event themed this way. GUH!!!!

Maybe I should just shut up and actually start playing Fields of Mistria 1.0. I'm doing that thing again where I'm procrastinating on something I really want to do. (Distinctly different than intimidating myself out of doing something I want to do. I have many issues related to not letting myself do things I want to do. Don't even worry about it.)

Current Mood: contemplative

As mad as I am about Shadow Milk being made into the main baddie (which you think I’d enjoy, as a Shadow Milk fan, but this is just a Bad writing decision), White Lily's "sacrifice" is easily the worst part about this update.

To recap:

"Suicidal person sacrifices themself" trope
"Traumatized person starts to realize they can be happy, then they immediately die" trope
It goes against the whole point of her character arc — she JUST learned that she doesn’t need a special reason to live and be happy
The letters she left highly imply that she planned this in advance, meaning that it really was suicide

The messages that Devsis is sending to their child player base (purposefully or not) include:

If you make mistakes, killing yourself to make up for it is a viable answer
The good ending for mentally ill women is death, for the greater good
Framing White Lily’s suicide as a form of freedom (“may your journey… be forever free…”) is genuinely an extremely dangerous message, as wanting freedom from life is a reason why many people in real life commit suicide — it serves as confirmation bias for those who are traumatized and think death is their only option

I think it’s very fun and flavorful how Eternal Sugar wants to spend eternity in a (false) heaven with Hollyberry, while Shadow Milk wants him and Pure Vanilla to spend an eternity in hell together.

When I discuss queer topics in fandom spaces geared towards older folks, like Dreamwidth, a lot of people express that they would like to use my neopronouns, but they don't know how. So, I made this small run-down, for people who would like to learn. I will be using she/her or he/him as a base example for all of these.

Please keep in mind that, if you use any of these incorrectly, I won't be upset! I appreciate the effort itself deeply. And, if you prefer to use more well-known pronouns for me, you can use alternating he/she.

Fae/faer
Replace "she" with "fae". Replace "her" with "faer". Replace "hers" with "faers". Replace "herself" with "faerself".
"She is very passionate. I met her recently. Is that her computer? She told me that it was hers. She prefers to do things by herself."
"Fae is very passionate. I met faer recently. Is that faer computer? Fae told me that it was faers. Fae prefers to do things by faerself."

That set is the most unique in its usage, because it is the only set that I use that is not "nounself" (a neopronoun set which centers around using a noun). All of the rest of my pronouns follow an extremely similar format to each other.

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Current Mood: artistic

You know how Shadow Milk has many childish mannerisms and ways of thinking? How he has many themes and motifs that deal with play, such as plushies, stick puppets, and arts and crafts?

Have you even seen those drawings made by children who have been through trauma or abuse, and who were asked to draw the situation or person that hurt them?

The scribbly sprite of one of the Fount of Knowledge's followers

Did you know that, in the original text, Shadow Milk calls Pure Vanilla a "doll" instead of a "puppet"?

And have you heard that children with trauma often recreate their trauma while playing with dolls to process it?

A screenshot, showing Shadow Milk transformed into a dying cookie, talking to Pure Vanilla. He says, 'You promised... I'd be fine... *Cough* ... But... I'm going... to crumble… aren't I?’

A screenshot, showing Pure Vanilla in the flashback where he experiences what the Fount of Knowledge did. One of his followers says, 'O Fount of Knowledge! My dough grows colder and colder... They say there is no cure… Perhaps, you can help? Will I live?'

The way that Shadow Milk, in his mind palace, painted over Fount’s expression to make it seem like he had always been evil is so interesting to me. Not to mention crossing off the lock present in his former self’s body.

Fascinating little bug. It hurts him too much to admit that he was once vulnerable and doing his best, but he was hated anyways. It's easier for him to tell himself that he wanted them to hate him.

Challenge #15

How did the Fandom Snowflake Challenge go?

It went quite well! Although I was relatively "late" to a few prompts, I tried to keep the pressure off of myself and have a good time. I still did every prompt, after all. I'm especially proud of the amount of wishes I granted for the wishlist-related challenges!

I made an effort to read other people's posts that were linked in the comments of the challenge announcements, but no particular effort towards commenting. Next year, I think I want to try commenting on other people's posts more!

Challenge #14

In your own space, create a promo and/or rec list for someone new to a fandom.

I actually wasn't sure what to do with this one (thus, the delay), but, since I'm getting into Kingdom Hearts, and I'm saving a lot of links related to it, I thought I'd share a very small list of the things I am using, or that I think are neat. So not quite a promo post, not quite a rec list, but something in-between, perhaps? Please pardon the clear Soriku bias.

Kingdom Hearts scripts (Kingdom Hearts 1 to Dream Drop Distance)
THE six-hour "Riku is gay" essay
A Keyblade clique for indie sites
Necklace Theory masterpost
"traveled half the world to say (i belong to you)" (my favorite KH fic)

(Maybe next year, I'll make a reclist with a certain trope as a theme in fanworks, rather than a particular fandom? Assuming this challenge comes up again.)

But jokes aside, I’m pretty sure that The First Cookies are the Beast’s “mothers” in the same way that God is “the father”. It’s meant to mean that they are their creators in a religious context, not their literal parents. Especially since The First Cookies were once witches that are now in cookie form, and witches are very clearly worshiped as religious figures. (Shadow Milk even refers to them as “gods” quite blatantly.)

The implication is intended to be that The First Cookies made the Virtues when they were witches — thus, why First Milk is still a human when depicted with Fount of Knowledge.

Anyways, Shadow Milk’s creator being a healer and his other half being a healer and the Beast he’s arguably closest to being a healer is so funny because that freak has never healed from anything in his LIFE

Challenge #13

Talk about a community space you like. It doesn't need to be your favorite, or the one where you spend the most time (although it certainly can be). Maybe it's even one that you've barely visited. But talk about that space and how it helps support fannish community.

I feel like I find a way to talk about the indie web every other question when it comes to the Snowflake Challenge, but it really is my favorite way of experiencing fandom these days. Between the fandom webring, the fanfiction webring, and fanlistings, it's easier than ever to find the websites of fannish creators, who are able to present what they create any way they desire on their website. It encourages more long-form communication, such as emails and response posts, which, itself, encourages making interaction more meaningful. Each website being so personalized means that visiting each person's site is an entirely unique experience, as well, rather than feeling like visiting mildly-customizable templates.

Everybody should make their own website and put their fannish stuff on it NOW!!!

Rating: T

Fandom: Delicious in Dungeon

Characters: Chilchuck Tims, Senshi, Laios Touden (mentioned), Marcille Donato (mentioned)

Relationship: Senshi & Chilchuck Tims

Words: 964

Content Warning: About an eating disorder

Tropes: Character with an Eating Disorder (Chilchuck Tims), Hurt/Comfort, Developing Friendship

Summary: Chilchuck's stomach was getting weaker, thanks to Senshi's meals. (And they were a lot less pleasant when they were coming back up.)

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( Notes )

Crossposts: https://fairyfic.dreamwidth.org/19288.html

Challenge #12

Make an appreciation post to those who enhance your fandom life. Appreciate them in bullet points, prose, poetry, a moodboard, a song... whatever moves you!

Is it silly to say that reading today's challenge actually kind of filled me with a genuine sense of dread? Imagine my internal sense of self running around my mind palace in circles, screaming, "NOOOO, BEING BAD AT THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I HAVEN'T STARTED RESPONDING TO COMMENTS ON MY WRITING AND ART UNTIL RECENTLY AAAAHHHHHHH"

But! I think it's important to make fancreators feel appreciated. There's been an issue worsening with the online climate, where people just want to consume, consume, consume, and then just... leave. Comments on fanfics are down significantly compared to the early days and, although I don't have any proof of this, in my experience, it certainly feels like fanart is being shared less. On Tumblr, this issue is especially bad, where likes don't even really do anything to help with reach. I don't like it. I don't like that the fandom community is feeling less like a community.

That's exactly why my New Year's resolution this year is to comment on fanworks (and general art) more. Specifically, I want to comment on at least one piece of art or writing, every two days. I've kept this up so far, and, you know, it's easier than I thought it would be! I spend most of my time on Tumblr where there's a very quick and easy reply feature, so I've just been replying to the art that I've come across that I think is especially impactful in some way. And that's the sort of thing that I like to do! Instead of writing thank-yous (and making myself throw up in the process, probably), I like to show that I'm thankful for somebody's contributions to fandom by supporting them in other ways (that don't make me want to throw up).

Does this response even really meet the letter of this challenge...? I dunno, but it's true to myself and how I interact with artists online, at least, hahaha!

Current Mood: nervous

Challenge #10

Choose something you love and create a mini mood collection of three (or more) items that evoke your feelings about it. You don't have to limit yourself to visual media, or collect the items into a special format like a square (though you can if you'd like).

Subject: In Stars and Time (indie video game)

Moodboard:

A moodboard for the game In Stars and Time. It is in black and white, and has themes of time, timeloops, stars, acting, and pretending to be alright

A moodboard for the game In Stars and Time. It is in black and white, and has themes of time, timeloops, stars, acting, and pretending to be alright

The same moodboard as before, with an image of Siffrin overlayed on top of it

Playlist (click the "play" button):

ENCORE!

1:07 / ∞

▶︎

THE RECORD PLAYER SONG ☆ Daisy the Great

"i need a dictionary
someone look me up and define me
please remind me who i'm supposed
to be around you
so you will do what i want you to
i'm always winning the wrong game
i don't remember my real name"

FLIGHT OF THE CROWS ☆ Jhariah

"well, i think that i've gotta go and i don't know why
but i need you to promise me that you won't cry
'cause you'll be fine and so will i
so, just let me out of your mind
in the morning, you'll learn i disappeared off into the night so quietly
that your love for me will vanish, too."

LOVE LIKE YOU ☆ Steven Universe OST

"when i see the way you look
shaken by how long it took
i could do about anything
i could even learn how to love like you
love like you
love me, like you"

code

Challenge #9

Talk about your favorite tropes in media or transformative works. (Feel free to substitute in theme/motif/cliche if "trope" doesn't resonate with you.)

Since I already talked about my all-time favorite trope last year, internalized homophobia, I'll talk about another favorite: character studies!

"Character Study" is actually my most-used tag on AO3 (if we're not counting "Betaed", which I don't), and that's because I absolutely adore both writing and reading them. The name of the game is exactly what I love about fanfic: getting into a character's head.

In writing, it's a very fulfilling exercise. It's an exploration of the character in question, and how you (you, specifically!) interpret their actions, their motivations, and their mental state. And, in reading, it's a fun way to explore how other people interpret the character, helping you appreciate your faves through a fresh set of eyes!

Now, if I were writing the Kingdom Hearts series, I would make it so that Riku cut his hair while undercover at the Organization, so that his hair would grow out again and go down to his upper back by the time Dream Drop Distance comes around. Instead of cutting it short and then associating his longer hair with "Dark Riku" and his flawed past and such.

I mean, the writers can do whatever boring shit they're doing too I guess. All I'm saying is that every time a queercoded male villain is made to cut his hair during his redemption arc, an angel loses its wings.

Jan 22nd update: My feelings on this matter have only intensified since learning that the sole reason that Riku's hair was changed was because ""fans"" kept complaining about it.

System: OSDD-1b (lacks amnesia between alters). Unaware that they are a system. They all believe that they are Shadow Milk, who has different “mindsets” he takes on.

Shadow Milk Cookie: Current host. Originated as a protector, now a persecutor. Initially split when Fount was attacked by the angry mob depicted in Dominion of the Beasts 2.

Fount of Knowledge: Ex-host and core. Infrequent solo-fronter, occasional co-fronter.

Young Shepherd Cookie: Syskid and innocence-holder. Only fronts when by himself. Initially split during their imprisonment in the Silver Tree, partially to make up for the system’s lack of a childhood.

Challenge #8

Talk about your creative process.

I could've answered with a few different creative processes (art, editing, coding, essay writing, etc), but ended up going with fanfic writing, because it's definitely the most uniform!

1) Inspiration
Sometimes, the ideas that pop into my head get added to my big document of fic ideas to write at a later date! Other times, it takes over my soul and torments me until I exorcise it via writing.

~~1.5) Make sure that you take your attention medication on the day(s) that you're planning to work~~

2) Outline
Basically every writing community I've joined seems to expect outlines to come in paragraphs. My outlines, however, have always come in bullet point lists. This stage is extremely informal, to the point that I will often slip in little jokes for myself. (Probably my favorite example: a bullet point dedicated to the statement, "KEEP IT LIGHTHEARTED, YOU ANGST-LOVING FUCK!!")

Sometimes, I'll have multiple bullet point lists. The one that I always have is the plot outline. Other, optional lists include inspiration for the intended tone (lines from movies, poetry, etc), ideas I'd like to touch on at some point without knowing where they would fit (for example: "I'd like to imply that this character has (XYZ disorder)," when that's not the focus of the fic), and/or notes on the research I've done for the fic. (Research is a part of the outlining phase, as well, when applicable!)

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Challenge #7

LIST THREE (or more) THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF. They don’t have to be your favorite things, just things that you think are good. Feel free to expand as much or as little as you want.

I did this all on my own. I definitely did nooot need my husband to help me come up with these. Nope. 100% naturally Azure-grown! *Lying*

1) I like being an artsy person
2) I like that I can make my friends laugh
3) I like being tall

Current Mood: discontent

You're afraid to be corny, but I was born on the cob

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