The Current State of Things
Nov. 7th, 2024 11:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bedesYesterday was the first day in November that I did not write anything for Rough Draft Month. Today, this blog entry is going to be all I'm writing. Tomorrow, I don't know. I'm considering quitting the challenge entirely.
This is going to be rambley. Very stream of consciousness. I apologize for that. I can't talk about this to anyone else.
I've more or less struggled with chronic passive suicidal thoughts since I was a young teen. I've attempted at least twice, but my memory is fuzzy. I think it's actually 3. I only remember 2 as 'for sure' existing because I know for sure there were 2 times that I was forced against my will to live in an in-patient mental health facility in the aftermath of an attempt.
I was abused and traumatized in those mental health facilities. I came out of both worse than I went in. Neither of them let me bring my service dog, which felt counterproductive, considering their whole thing was helping me feel better. I have not been able to heal from these incidents. Unlike other trauma I have gone through, I have to live with the knowledge that it could happen again, and likely will.
I used to share when I felt suicidal to my mom. Now I don't. She was one of the people who admitted me to the hospitals, even knowing how terrified I was. Even knowing I was traumatized by the first, she forced me to the second. I used to contact suicide hotlines. Now I don't, because I know a lot of them will call the police on you if you don't fake that you're 'better' by the end of the call. Then I'll be forced back into the hospital. When I saw a therapist, I wouldn't tell him when I was suicidal, because he was legally obligated to tell someone to make sure I 'got help' (read: get thrown into a hospital). I cannot talk to anyone about this without risk of being locked away again. My mom has openly said that, if I wrote a diary, she would absolutely read it, and feel no guilt for it whatsoever. So all I have are my semi-anonymous blogs online.
Have you guys ever heard of "suicidism"? It's kind of what it sounds like. It's a theoretical framework for discussing the specific type of ableism that suicidal people face. I've been thinking about it a lot. The way that “suicidal people are the most selfish people in the world” is such a common sentiment. The way that stripping us of everything that makes us individuals and taking away our human rights is seen as the only way to 'help' us.
I think what is truly selfish is keeping suffering people alive, even when we want nothing more than to die. People frown on the idea of keeping someone in extreme physical pain alive, so why is it so different when it's emotional pain? Why is "ending someone's suffering" noble for some and not others?
The day that Trump was elected, the last time I checked that day, the suicide rate were around double of what they usually are per day. I don't think that's a good sign.
I've seen posts since the announcement that queer people have to stay alive. But it pisses me off. What reason are you giving us? "Trans people, please live," but what are you doing to help us live? You just expect us to pull ourselves out of this hole all alone? You just expect us to do all of that labor because you don't want us to die? And I'm the selfish one?
The only convincing argument that I have seen over these past 48 hours is, "You have to outlive Donald Trump. Imagine how funny the internet will be on the day he dies." Genuinely, that is the only thing that has convinced me that maybe life is worth living for a little while longer. It gives me something to look forward to, when these next 4 years are not something to look forward to at all.
Especially because my mom and dad pretty recently told me that they would not support me transitioning, and they never would. That had already put my mental health at a lower place than normal. Then, stack on the stress of college ramping up for exams (I have a LOT of stuff due around the same time, how fun), multiple art pieces I need to finish relatively soon, my usual seasonal depression and then plop these election results all on top of it? No way. I'm actively looking for ways to commit suicide. (Difficult, because my parents have done a ton of shit to suicide-proof the house, like hiding my meds until I need them and locking the guns away.)
I feel an obligation to end this off with some sort of reassurance that I am going to live, but I don't know yet. To be extremely blunt, the main reason I'm still alive right now is because I simply can't get my hands on a method with which to take my own life. If I am going to try this again, I want it to be basically guaranteed that I die, so I don't end up alive and in a mental health facility. So... I don't know. I don't know if I'm going to live.
But, you know, if sometime soon, I very suddenly stop posting, you can make an assumption as to why. (Though I'll leave a suicide note if I can help it.)
I want to end this post by saying, please do not feel obligated to comfort me in the replies. I know these sorts of posts can be awkward to see, especially from someone you don't actually know very well. Like I said, I only make it because I don't have anywhere else to go, so I don't mind if you get to the end, don't know what to say, and so just decide to move on to the next post. It's not like I've not done it before.
This is going to be rambley. Very stream of consciousness. I apologize for that. I can't talk about this to anyone else.
I've more or less struggled with chronic passive suicidal thoughts since I was a young teen. I've attempted at least twice, but my memory is fuzzy. I think it's actually 3. I only remember 2 as 'for sure' existing because I know for sure there were 2 times that I was forced against my will to live in an in-patient mental health facility in the aftermath of an attempt.
I was abused and traumatized in those mental health facilities. I came out of both worse than I went in. Neither of them let me bring my service dog, which felt counterproductive, considering their whole thing was helping me feel better. I have not been able to heal from these incidents. Unlike other trauma I have gone through, I have to live with the knowledge that it could happen again, and likely will.
I used to share when I felt suicidal to my mom. Now I don't. She was one of the people who admitted me to the hospitals, even knowing how terrified I was. Even knowing I was traumatized by the first, she forced me to the second. I used to contact suicide hotlines. Now I don't, because I know a lot of them will call the police on you if you don't fake that you're 'better' by the end of the call. Then I'll be forced back into the hospital. When I saw a therapist, I wouldn't tell him when I was suicidal, because he was legally obligated to tell someone to make sure I 'got help' (read: get thrown into a hospital). I cannot talk to anyone about this without risk of being locked away again. My mom has openly said that, if I wrote a diary, she would absolutely read it, and feel no guilt for it whatsoever. So all I have are my semi-anonymous blogs online.
Have you guys ever heard of "suicidism"? It's kind of what it sounds like. It's a theoretical framework for discussing the specific type of ableism that suicidal people face. I've been thinking about it a lot. The way that “suicidal people are the most selfish people in the world” is such a common sentiment. The way that stripping us of everything that makes us individuals and taking away our human rights is seen as the only way to 'help' us.
I think what is truly selfish is keeping suffering people alive, even when we want nothing more than to die. People frown on the idea of keeping someone in extreme physical pain alive, so why is it so different when it's emotional pain? Why is "ending someone's suffering" noble for some and not others?
The day that Trump was elected, the last time I checked that day, the suicide rate were around double of what they usually are per day. I don't think that's a good sign.
I've seen posts since the announcement that queer people have to stay alive. But it pisses me off. What reason are you giving us? "Trans people, please live," but what are you doing to help us live? You just expect us to pull ourselves out of this hole all alone? You just expect us to do all of that labor because you don't want us to die? And I'm the selfish one?
The only convincing argument that I have seen over these past 48 hours is, "You have to outlive Donald Trump. Imagine how funny the internet will be on the day he dies." Genuinely, that is the only thing that has convinced me that maybe life is worth living for a little while longer. It gives me something to look forward to, when these next 4 years are not something to look forward to at all.
Especially because my mom and dad pretty recently told me that they would not support me transitioning, and they never would. That had already put my mental health at a lower place than normal. Then, stack on the stress of college ramping up for exams (I have a LOT of stuff due around the same time, how fun), multiple art pieces I need to finish relatively soon, my usual seasonal depression and then plop these election results all on top of it? No way. I'm actively looking for ways to commit suicide. (Difficult, because my parents have done a ton of shit to suicide-proof the house, like hiding my meds until I need them and locking the guns away.)
I feel an obligation to end this off with some sort of reassurance that I am going to live, but I don't know yet. To be extremely blunt, the main reason I'm still alive right now is because I simply can't get my hands on a method with which to take my own life. If I am going to try this again, I want it to be basically guaranteed that I die, so I don't end up alive and in a mental health facility. So... I don't know. I don't know if I'm going to live.
But, you know, if sometime soon, I very suddenly stop posting, you can make an assumption as to why. (Though I'll leave a suicide note if I can help it.)
I want to end this post by saying, please do not feel obligated to comfort me in the replies. I know these sorts of posts can be awkward to see, especially from someone you don't actually know very well. Like I said, I only make it because I don't have anywhere else to go, so I don't mind if you get to the end, don't know what to say, and so just decide to move on to the next post. It's not like I've not done it before.
no subject
Date: 2024-11-08 12:43 pm (UTC)(Not "trying to comfort you" so I hope this did not come across that way.)
no subject
Date: 2024-11-09 08:50 am (UTC)Sometimes, I feel crazy talking about suicidism, because I've had a lot of people react negatively to the idea. So I appreciate that you seem to understand. I'd be happy to continue in PMs :)
no subject
Date: 2024-11-09 12:12 pm (UTC)p.s. also: copied and pasted from elsewhere.
Date: 2024-11-08 12:45 pm (UTC)Re: p.s. also: copied and pasted from elsewhere.
Date: 2024-11-09 08:51 am (UTC)I didn't know about warm lines... I'm really happy and thankful that this exists. Thank you so much for sharing.